Please, let me fuck your mom
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
