Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
pray to the hookup gods
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
