Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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