i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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