I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
