plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My liver just had a heart attack.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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