The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bring money and cleavage
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
