Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
