hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize