If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Enjoy the penises
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
