and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
