is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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