Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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