i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
