I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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