so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
