Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
