Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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