Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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