drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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