I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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