someone owes me an orgasm
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
