Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
