Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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