i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
