I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
