Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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