you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i think my cat just said my name.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
