tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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