He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize