My hair reeks of homosexuality.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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