Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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