I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
