my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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