When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
