last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize