why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
