I wanna passion pit in your ass
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
