apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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