imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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