i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
