Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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