Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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