4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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