Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
