My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
