omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
