Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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