Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
