I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
