in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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