don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize