dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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