i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
