You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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