At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
