FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
